A Guy With Glasses


Based on 2014 data, the population of the USA is 318 million people. Of those, 76.9% are 18 years or older and 49.2% are male. Thus, Approximately 120 million of those people are male. 58% of men do not wear glasses. That’s 70 million men. Assuming the same percentage holds for clowns and the number of clowns who are members of the World Clown Association (2,500 clowns) is a decent rough estimate of the number of clowns in the USA (which it isn’t, but it’s good enough considering how few clowns there are), and all registered clowns are adults, then there are approximately 1,230 male clowns in the USA. That means there are only 713 clowns that I can punch in the face (or anywhere else), except that, as I established years ago in an essay I have now lost, clowns have no gender, biological or otherwise. And that brings us to today’s topic: punching men in the face.

When I was just a little tyke and didn’t give clowns much thought, there were a few things I was certain were true and would always remain true: the sun rises in the east, the moon has a face, my brother is a reckless nut, and having a penis meant I should use the men’s restroom. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered things are never so certain as we might expect. The sun still does rise in the east, but I rarely see a face in the moon now that I now there is a fox in there. My brother is still a reckless nut, but I’m not sure my penis means I should head for a room with a urinal when my bladder is full.

Now before you get upset with me, realize I have nothing against men who want to be treated as women or against women who want to be treated as men. I’m happy to call you whatever you want to be called. Heck, I’d like to be a fox. So, this essay has nothing to do with anyone’s personal gender whatevers — I’m really not that interested in what is in your pants. In fact, this essay isn’t about you at all. Don’t be so vain and just get over it.

Important fact: a fox belongs to the same family as the common dog, along with wolves, jackals, dingoes, tanuki, etc.: Canidae.

Unless we’ve lived under a rock, we’ve all heard the adage, “Never hit a guy with glasses.” Now that is what I want to examine today, because it impacts my ability to defend myself. Even more troubling is the sister adage, “Never hit a girl,” and the laws that state I can’t hit children. Together, these rules severely limit my opportunities for punching people (also, by the way, if I’m going to punch someone, I’d prefer to punch him in the face). So, now, Let’s break it down, even though I did that already in the introduction.

First, I’m not leaving the USA in the foreseeable future. Since no one can really see into the future and the future includes the next fraction of a second into which we are moving plus all other seconds onward to forever, that means the foreseeable future is 0 seconds into the future — and beyond! Thus, I’m not leaving the USA in 0 seconds or beyond. That is, I’m never leaving the USA. Therefore, I can only punch people in the face who are in the USA.

Second, by law I can only punch adults. Thus, that limits the population I can punch to people 18 years and older, because, as I established already, I’m stuck in the USA and in the USA people are adults at 18 and they remain that way (for now) until they die.

Third, by the old adage, “Never hit a girl,” I cannot punch girls. By “girls” is really meant “all human females,” which (for now) includes women. That limits the people I can punch in the face to males (which, for now, are still the opposite of women).

By the way, when you see a sign that says, “No dogs allowed,” what is really meant by “dogs” is “all members of kingdom Animalia belonging to the family Canidae.” But that would be too much to put on a sign: “No members of kingdom Animalia belonging to the family Canidae allowed.” Not to mention, some members of kingdom Animalia don’t know what kingdom they belong to, much less what family. Heck, some Animalia Chordata Mammalia Primates Hominidae Homo sapiens sapiens don’t know what kingdom or family they belong to, and Animalia Chordata Mammalia Primates Hominidae Homo sapiens sapiens invented the taxonomy! Isn’t that a riot? Makes you shake your head and chuckle, doesn’t it? So confusion would ensue and thus we keep it simple for the masses: “No dogs allowed.”

Fourth, by the adage, “Never hit a guy with glasses,” I cannot punch males with glasses. Contact lenses are not glasses, and so I assume I can punch guys with contacts. After all, if I could not, the adage would be, “Never hit a guy with corrective lenses,” which it clearly is not, so male contact lens wearers are fair game.

Summary: I can only punch people in the face who live in the USA, are males 18 years of age or older, and who do not wear glasses.

The formula for this is: US population * .769 * .492 * .58. The formula for clowns I can punch assumes only adults in the population estimate and thus is: US clown population * .492 * .58.

Running the numbers, I can punch 70 million people in the face. Of those, 713.4 are clowns. I’m not sure how I’d punch less than half of one clown, so we’ll give one a by and say I can punch 713 of them. The percentage of the population who are clowns I can punch is 0.00022%, which seems negligible, unless you happen to be at the World Clown Convention, which in 2017 (the next one I could possibly be at as of this writing) will be held in Bangkok, Thailand, which means I cannot possibly attend it because I haven’t the means to travel to Bangkok in the foreseeable future, which we established already means “ever.” So, my chances of an opportunity to punch a clown are pretty slim. I suppose I could hire one and then when it arrived I could punch it, but I’d have to specify on the phone, “I’d like to hire a clown with a penis who does not wear glasses — the clown, not the penis.” Much confusion would ensue, because, as I have mentioned, clowns are genderless (because they do not reproduce sexually, as I discussed in the essay I lost). So I’ll abandon that plan and assume my chances of an opportunity to punch a clown are effectively 0.

The number of transgender adults in the USA is 0.3% of the population, or 954,000. I tried to run the numbers, but wasn’t sure how to apply “guy” or “girl”, so I gave up. The population of my town is 13,905 permanent residents. Assuming an even distribution across all cities (that can’t possibly be true), then there should be 41.715 transgendered people in my town. It’s probably much less than that, so we’ll give one a by to eliminate that fractional person and say 41. That’s 1 transgender person in every crowd of 339 residents. I don’t even think I know 339 people in town, so my chances of punching any transgendered person are effectively 0, so gender is moot anyway because 0/2=0. That’s science because it has math.

The number of computer programmer jobs in 2014 was 329,000. Since you can’t really be a computer programmer unless you are working as a job as a computer programmer (that’s not entirely true, either), we’ll just say that the number of computer programmers in the USA is 329,000. Assuming the percentages are the same (which is a big assumption, I realize, since more men than women are programmers), then the number of computer programmers I can punch in the face is 94,000. I am employed as a computer programmer and a good number of people I do know are programmers, so my potential for punching one is really high. In fact, since I am a programmer, I could always punch myself in the face in a desperate pinch, which makes my opportunity to punch a programmer 100%.

I could go on and on. But why would I? And why would you keep reading? Why have you read this far?

Now here’s my problem: I have no interest in hitting anyone, not even clowns!

Also, I really have to go to the bathroom and I have a human penis (for now), but I want to be a fox and the sign says, “no dogs allowed,” so which restroom do I use?

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